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Do you have an ex who has been hanging around for years or a f*ckboy that’s been messing with your head? What about those people you text when you’re feeling lonely or bored or who you think you might be interested in someday? I call these people the “maybes:” the exes, previous dates, and “it’s complicated” relationships that didn’t work out the first time around, but you keep their number in your phone “just in case” or are hoping something will change.

First of all, besides the satisfaction you get from socializing with another human being, there’re a lot of things you can know from interacting with people in person that you can’t get through dating apps. Besides, most dating profiles are not accurate representations of people. The convenience of simply swiping on dating apps can make you neglect opportunities to interact with potential romantic partners around you. And this will make you miss out on great opportunities. It’s okay to show a woman that you care about her. But most guys go too far trying to make a woman accept them. Their need for approval stems from a place of insecurity. A man’s need for acceptance might make him lie or omit details about himself that he thinks the girl may not like.

A man that is calm and put together has a unique aura. It’s no wonder why fictional characters like James Bond are portrayed as calm and collected people. A calm man is the opposite of an anxious and needy man. He has mastered himself. A woman can feel safe with him because he has a demeanor that makes you feel like nothing can go wrong with him. He gives you the impression that he’s a man who can handle himself. When he’s in a conversation with a woman, he sits with his shoulders back, looking at the woman straight in the eye. And since we pick up the dominant energy in social interactions, women also feel calm and relaxed around him, making them enjoy his company.

Consider a low-key coffee, tea, a walk, or a drink instead of dinner: Instead of meeting for dinner on the first date, choose an activity that is potentially shorter, and more relaxed like a walk or a coffee. That way, if you realize after 45 minutes that you just aren’t compatible, you’re not committed to a longer (and potentially expensive!) dinner that may be unpleasant and awkward for both parties. If the date goes well, you can continue to cocktail or segue to dinner and continue the conversation. While it’s easy to add a snack or a bite, it’s more difficult to extricate yourself from dinner.

The purpose of going on dates, talking to new people, and opening yourself up to meet someone new is not to feed your ego, affirm insecurities, or to find a soulmate ASAP. The purpose is to collect information that will bring you closer to a happy, fulfilling life and to have a good time along the way. Bottom line: It should be fun meeting new people, whether or not a second date follows. If it’s not, take a break from dating to reflect on what you’re really looking for in your dating life.

Since it can be very challenging to examine yourself in this way, I highly recommend working with a dating coach. An unbiased third party can not only help you to identify what your current baggage is and why you’re still struggling with it, but also offer clear-cut advice on what you need to do to move past it. When new clients come to me unsure of why they keep accidentally sabotaging their own dating chances, I can often tell right away what baggage is getting in their way. Once you’re ready to really take a good look at your destructive beliefs and thought patterns, you can start replacing those with healthier and positive alternatives that will make you a more attractive, emotionally strong, and desirable partner.

As you focus on self-development in the new year, strive to be the partner you’re looking for. That way, you not only have a greater chance of attracting someone with those same qualities, but you’ll also have a stronger sense of self-sufficiency that will serve you while you’re single. It’s common to think a lot about what you want in a partner. But have you ever thought about what kind of partner you want to be? If you have a laundry list of dating must-haves, take a moment to think about whether or not you check those boxes as well.

While the idea of love, at first sight, may seem romantic, it is not necessarily a realistic expectation. It takes time to truly get to know someone and establish a deep connection. Instant attraction and infatuation can be powerful, but building a lasting relationship requires more than just physical chemistry. The belief in a single, perfect soulmate who completes us is a popular myth perpetuated by movies and books. This idea can create unrealistic expectations and put undue pressure on relationships. It is important to recognize that compatibility is a result of shared values, interests, and goals, rather than just a mystical connection.

Don’t…leave everything to ‘fate’. Yes, it’s true you cannot force love and relationships, but if you don’t make any effort there is nowhere for love to grow from. It’s important to be resilient and continue to put yourself out there in healthy ways. Do…go with the flow! It’s important not to put too much pressure on expected outcomes. Let things develop naturally and if they don’t, let things be natural too. Don’t…be too hung up on dating rules. Believe it or not, there are no wrongs or rights. If you want to kiss on the first date, go ahead. If you don’t feel comfortable getting too close that’s okay too! Know what’s right for you and communicate it to your date in a polite and friendly way.